Live, Die, Repeat

Thu, 03 Nov 2005 03:40:02 GMT

After almost two years of publicly airing my dirty laundry here, I'm making this thing private. Not because of all the negative comments I've been getting recently either. I mean, let's face it, I've been getting them from plenty of people for awhile. It takes much more than that to shut me up.

However, it has come to my attention over the past day or so that me being so unwilling to shut up causes problems for other people. So, before I go, I'm going to address this situation, once and for all.

First and foremost, I'm obviously not a hustler. I was quoting a song lyric for shits and giggles. I meant nothing by it.

Secondly, yes, I wear girls jeans. What my taste in pants has to do with any of this, I have no clue.

Thirdly, I didn't steal anyone's girlfriend by singing songs or buying flowers, although I did do the latter. I didn't ask for this to happen, but it did and I'm running with it because thus far, it makes me happy. If that makes me a horrible person, then alright, I'm a horrible person.

But let's clarify this now... just like I don't know you or the situation, you and your friends don't know me. So don't come here and call me unintelligent and wave your pricey college education in my face because frankly, I'm not impressed. I think it's awesome that you're smart and that you're doing something with your life, but don't think for a second that because of that you have the right to condescend upon me like I'm on a lower level than you.

You're right, I don't know everything about her and about the situation. For all I know, you could've treated her like a fucking queen. All I know is that when I met her, she was unhappy and I wanted to change that.

Maybe she's going to lie to me. Maybe she is going to have a million relationships on the side. Maybe she is selfish or whatever else your friend said in that novel he/she wrote me. And maybe he could give her all of these things that I'll never be able to, since apparently all I do is sing in a band. All I know is that right now, at this moment, she makes me happy and I'd rather risk finding those things out to hold on to that.

Live, Die, Repeat is officially friends only. Comment and talk shit to keep the internet drama going or simply reply saying you want added so you can keep reading. I'm over it.

Stay well.

love julian

"Let down your hair and swing with me instead..."

Tue, 01 Nov 2005 21:33:59 GMT

BewareofBumble: Northstar + Gym Class = Julian's in love...?

Pretty much sums up my life since the last time I posted here, I think. I've been listening to a whole lot of Northstar. So much so that I ordered one of their T-Shirts. Definitely a very underrated band that I had almost forgotten about. Shame on me. I've also been bumping a lot of Gym Class Heroes hits. They make me happy and... well, happy is what I am.

Am I in love? No. That's a pretty serious thing, you know? If things continue being like this though, who knows? Ask me once the snow is falling.

I know this much. This is the best I've felt in a very long time. And whatever this is, I've never experienced it the way I am now.

It's a rad thing when you can be put in a good mood just by seeing someone smile. This hadn't dawned on me until Saturday, which was a huge success, just as I predicted it would be. Without getting into detail, let's just say it's Julian - A Million; Everyone Else - Zero.

Yeah. I'm a hustler. Ask about me.

My whole mood changing comes into full swing this Saturday. AFS hits the stage again bitches. For a really good cause too. It's at Jillian's and it's FREE, but bring your wallets anyhow so you can help save some lives in the Dirty South and then buy one of our new, incredibly stylish T-Shirts with the rest. We play at seven and are debuting two new songs. We'd like to know what you think, so yeah, come out.

I think I'm going to see Saw II tonight. Steve tells me that it's good. I'm sure that even if it isn't, it will be...

Stay up and see you when it's the weekend.

love julian

"So there we were, minutes from making it..."

Fri, 28 Oct 2005 15:15:08 GMT

It's Friday. Only one day until Saturday. It's also the second day in a row that I've stayed home from school. I'm not sick or anything. My Aunt Lisa had to get an operation in Cleveland and Cookie went with her, so I got to stay and watch over the house. Rad, yeah?

Too bad it couldn't get me out of work tonight.

I'm still listening to Lydia. If you haven't yet you're doing yourself a horrible injustice. Seriously.

I've got big plans for this weekend. If all goes well, I'm thinking that everything I've been worrying about since this whole thing started will be put behind us ... that is if the things I said last night haven't started to do it already.

The past couple of days have taught me a major lesson. It's one that I've always kind of understood, but I've never experienced it hands on until recently.

We're all good people for the most part. Everyone wants to see everyone else happy. But where do we draw the line? You've got to make yourself happy first. You can't worry about what people will think and say. You can't worry about how they'll feel. Chances are, if you do, you'll miss out on something great.

It's like buying an off brand purse when you could've bought the best one, right?

And now I'm smiling.

I was just the icing on the cake. I refuse to accept any of the blame for anything ending. With or without me involved, you're better off without that in your life. I can hear it in your voice. I can see it in your eyes. And no one expects you not to worry. But if it was real at one point then it won't completely go away. And if it does then it wasn't worth your precious time.

Read this whenever you're in doubt.

I'm excited to announce that we have a rock show on November 5th at Jillian's. It's FREE and we're playing a few of the new songs we've been writing all October. Come watch me. Lovestruck.

Karli Balmenti is my long lost sister, we think. I have someone to hate everyone with now. Refreshing.

Stay up, shake your sheets, and enjoy your weekends.

love julian

"I stayed until you fell asleep, yeah, you fell for me..."

Mon, 24 Oct 2005 19:13:25 GMT

I've stopped listening to the new Thrice as good as it is. I'm now hooked on This December; It's One More and I'm Free by Lydia. It's very dynamic music that reminds me slightly of Bright Eyes mixed with the male/female vocal trade off of Straylight Run. They're on a small label and are from Arizona, so check them out and help them out by buying the record if you're into it. www.purevolume.com/lydia

I've also started rocking clothing by Naive. They're a cool little company based in Florida that Another Found Self is trying to get sponsorship with. We're involved in a contest that could win us that oppertunity, but we need our fans to make their voices heard. If any of you guys need some new threads, check them out and go buy a T-Shirt. They're super cheap at twelve dollars and if you mention us when you buy, it wins us a whole lot of points with them. If you're not into buying anything, just shoot them a MySpace comment or message telling them that you like the clothes and that we sent you. I'd really appreciate it. www.myspace.com/naiveclothing

This weekend was even more amazing than the last and the same person gets all the credit. If it keeps getting better I'll be married by the new year.

Well, no, not really, but still. I'm happy. Good thing I got depressing out of the way when the new songs needed written. I've never been good with the happy ones, yeah?

If we get caught we might be in some trouble. But I don't care. It's taking everything within me to not scream how I'm feeling at the top of my lungs to anyone who'll listen.

I'm missing my homies in college. Kate Rath, Sarah Rachel, PJ, Kenny, Kathyrn (who I actually ran into over the weekend) ... fuck higher education.

I also managed to get detention walking out of school today. I know I'm obnoxious and that my mouth is kind of dirty, but four hours for saying "fuck" when I wasn't even inside of the school? Bullshit, Garwig. Bullshit.

Let's say we were better than our bodies were found.

love julian

"We'll raise an empire from the bottom of the sea..."

Fri, 21 Oct 2005 01:59:57 GMT

It's only Thursday, but I can already say with a hell of a lot of confidence that this week has been the best week I've had in a very, very long time. I could probably write you a laundry list of reasons as to why that is, but the truth is that none of it would matter aside from the thing I'd put right at the top.

This is beyond a three day week of school. This is bigger than groundbreaking new albums by Thrice. This is way cooler than finding a ten dollar bill in Caffe's parking lot and then getting cut two hours early from work moments later. Any other week though, these would've been the things that excited me.

Now I've got that feeling, you know. That feeling. The whole fucking world could've crumbled around me this week and I would've been oblivious to the chaos.

Smiling's been like a foreign language to me. I'm slowly, but surely becoming fluent. And when I was sitting at my piano today, it wasn't to write some dreary ballad.

I think I should be scared. But for some reason, I'm not. It's comforting.

Thanks.

I'm working Friday and Sunday. I'm practicing Saturday afternoon and slow dancing at night. I don't remember the last time I've even wanted to do that...

Here's to Ferris Wheels ... Cure songs ... Canada by way of the pond ... things we wroted ... and candlelight.

And the internet drama continues.

Sleep easy. Love freely. Live today. Breathe tomorrow.

And buy this fucking album. Motown and Tate were right ... it will make your year.

lovejulian

"Give it up boy, give it up..."

Fri, 14 Oct 2005 06:10:40 GMT

Well. Two updates in two days. Aren't you lucky? Oh so lucky? Lucky, lucky. You're so lucky...

...Damn, is that song catchy or what.

Which brings me to tonight's rock show. The Dead 60s > Franz Ferdinand and every other dance punk band out there, sans the ones like The Clash who started it all. Seriously. If you're into those sort of jams, check them out.

Bullets and Octane were good too, in that cheesy eighties metal kind of way. Their singer moved like Scott Weiland, just worse and with a lot of super cliche hair dye, tattoos, and jewelery. I also didn't like the way he kept looking at my mom. Can anyone say creeper? I dug this one song they played a ton though. I don't know what it's called, but the line "God, I wish that bitch would die" sticks out in my mind. Catchy number, yeah?

Social Distortion was good as expected. Really not my thing, as I mentioned, but it was cool to bond with Renee' on something she really enjoys. I could tell that having me there meant a lot to her. They played "Story of My Life" too and I ended up remembering a lot of what they played ("Sick Boy", "Ring of Fire", "Under My Thumb", "Mommy's Little Monster", "Nickels and Dimes") from my childhood. Creepy.

Seeing all those people there made me realize how lame the kids who go to the shows that I usually go to are. Everyone was cool to everyone, with the exception of a few assholes and no one was afraid to move around and sing along and actually act like they were enjoying the band they were watching. I bet Monday at Emery, everyone will just stand there awkwardly bobbing their head to the music with their arms crossed, save for the select few who will be thrashing each other in the pit.

FYI - Crowd surfing is fucking retarded. Shoes to the head don't feel good. And if you're a girl doing it, you might not want to take your clothes from the slut section of your closet that night - you might get an unwanted feel. Gross.

I've decided that I really, really need a girlfriend. One who will play with my hair and will sit next to me and when we're not talking, will rub my leg like she cares. One that'll hold my hand and tell me things will be alright and let me know when I'm being an ass, but will always, always, always have faith in me even when I don't.

I thought that I had found that with a few people. I'm alone now, so I guess I was wrong. I'd kill for last December.

I've got practice tomorrow morning. We're continually writing new songs that will hopefully blow all of your minds. You really won't be expecting this stuff out of us. No plans for tomorrow just yet ... maybe Geauga Lake with a bunch of people ... maybe not. Give me a ring?

"It's good to dream. All you dreamers raise your hands ... 'cause you know what they say about dreaming?...

...If you ain't dreaming, you're just sleeping homeboy. You're just fucking sleeping your life away." -- Mike Ness

Nice.

lovejulian

"But when you talk about destruction, don't you know that you can count me out?..."

Thu, 13 Oct 2005 03:15:03 GMT

I make it a point to update once people start bitching at me to do so, so yeah. Here I am. However, I'm not really up to saying anything informative or insightful tonight, so you'll just have to take what you can get.

Weezer + Foo Fighters on the 8th was easily one of the best concerts I've ever attended. Weezer played all my favorite jams, but didn't rock "Only in Dreams", "Tired of Sex", or "No One Else", which kind of made me sad. Highlight was definitely "Island in the Sun" played acoustic by Rivers on a platform in the middle of the floor and them opening with "My Name is Jonas" and of course, "EL SCORCHO"!!! I got some pretty decent recordings of "Buddy Holly", "Say It Ain't So", and "El Scorcho".

Foo Fighters pretty much blew the roof off of the fucking place and I don't even really like them. Awesome stage set, awesome presence, seemingly cool dudes. Dave Grohl screams too much live though. Not in a cool way either. I'm pretty sure it was Dom who said "cat being raped" if that gives you any sort of idea.

He did shout out Boardman High School onstage though, which made me, Mark, Dom, and Stevie go fucking crazy. I guess his mom went there and was at her reunion the night of the show. Small world, yeah?

Social Distortion with my mommy is tomorrow. Should be rad. I hope they play "Story of My Life". It's the only one of their songs I really like. I'm sure they'll still be killer though. Dom and I are going to check out Emery, our BFFs in Gym Class Heroes, Gatsby's American Dream, and As Cities Burn on Monday too. Long weekends and rock shows kick.

I'm looking to get wasted and make out a lot over this four days. If you feel like you can help...

IM: xBttr Off Deadx
PH: 330-240-1861

Chances are we can hang out unless you've recently bought a pet snake that you'd like to torture me with. Maybe you can drop by an AFS practice and rock out to some of our new hits. You will like them. I pinky swear.

I'm thirsty. Ice tea's calling for sure.

Sweet dreams. I might be back soon to post some new lyrics. Put on your feedback caps.

love julian

PS - am is online.

"I'm stuck in a basement world..."

Sat, 01 Oct 2005 22:57:43 GMT

So things with the show tonight didn't work out. I'm not broken up about it or anything. I've said it a million times before, but Fall Out Boy just doesn't do it for me live. I would've liked to see The Starting Line though. I gave their new one a spin today realizing that I hadn't listened to it in awhile and it really is a good record. Too bad they didn't get mega huge instead. I hear that they can actually play their songs...

Motion City Soundtrack and Boys Night Out have been fun every time I've seen them too and also had solid releases this year. My AP.net end of year list is going to be a tough one this time around. Last year it was simple. Say Anything anyone?

And Panic! at the Disco. Yes. Sounds like Fall Out Boy a bit, but better lyrically and live. Buy this record if you jumped on the scenester bandwagon this year. It'll be your new Bible. I've listened to it everyday this week. I wanted to hate it. I really did.

New Thrice will destroy everything. So excited for that show.

Dom got his court call today. He might have to stay sober for awhile. I don't know how that's going to be. It will definitely make the Weezer concert next weekend a bit more interesting.

Speaking of which, my friend Nance isn't thrilled about Chelsea coming with us. She thinks I'm a total druggie or something. Lame. :)

And one topic bleeds into another...

...I met a girl named Stacey. She's pretty rad. Way too pretty. Very open and interesting. Might be a good fit. We'll see.

I finished the lyrics to a new AFS song today. It'll be unlike anything you've ever heard come out of us or this scene. And fuck the kid who wrote in the last one talking about us, TCF, and whoever else. I don't see you doing anything to change the things you're bitching about. And FYI, Ceenial and I know each other and are cool. I don't exactly plan on launching a rap career. I was trying to have fun. Kind of like you were when you were a bitch and posted anonymously. Talk shit to any of us to our faces. Especially to TCF and their friends ... I'd like to see those kids rip you apart.

Why do I even bother to explain myself?

Boardman has the 14th and 17th off. Four day weekend. Yes.

Check out Criteria. Fans of Gratitude, Foo Fighters, and anything else good will appreciate.

lovejulian

"Your promises, they look like lies..."

Sun, 25 Sep 2005 16:41:52 GMT

My life is good despite the fact that I'm still lonely.

Acoustic sets are my favorite thing ever.

A huge crowd of people singing along, dancing, clapping, waving lighters and cellphones, and generally appreciating acoustic sets is my second favorite thing ever. Thank you.

As much as I've complained about it in the past, I'm really starting to appreciate the people and bands in the little scene we have around here. Yesterday really made me realize that.

Ten Count Fall will be huge.

Random hook-ups don't fill the void, but fuck if I don't try to make them do so.

I need to fully get over cm before it completely overtakes me again. This I already know. Don't bother commenting and telling me.

Dom's got a girlfriend. The overall consensus is that it's kind of weird, but we're getting used to it. I'm happy he's finally getting some stability. That kid was a wreck a year ago and I was honestly scared for him. I just hope he doesn't turn out like Nick...

Speaking of which, I hope Mark and him had a killer time at Homecoming yesterday. I should probably call and ask.

The new Coheed and Cambria is epic. Buy it. I'm also hearing that the new Thrice will change people's lives, but I'll believe it when I hear it.

Also, if I told you to listen to "Boston" by Augustana and you loved it, good. It's a fucking great song. However, if even for a second you thought about buying their album, I'd suggest not doing it. It sounds like Cherry Monroe. But who knows, maybe you're into that.

No shows of my own for awhile. A lot of concerts coming up though. I guess me and Dom are going to see Fall Out Boy suck it up on October 1st. The Starting Line, Motion City Soundtrack, Boys Night Out, and Panic! at the Disco should make up for it though. They always tour with the most killer bands. Weezer and Foo Fighters is a week after that. And I'm also going to see Social Distortion (with my mother, of course), Thrice, and Emery within the month as well. Should be fun.

Stay well.

love julian

"Show me a swollen headed, hot shot, son of a bitch..."

Sat, 17 Sep 2005 22:51:13 GMT

School is better than I expected. My day really is a waste of my time, considering the fact that I only actually need one credit in English to graduate. I think the citizens of Boardman could spend their tax dollars on something a bit more productive than blow off classes for seniors to take, but that's me.

Chorale is most likely going to San Francisco this year. I'm pretty excited. I've never been that far west. California seems like a fucking pit to me, but I think that if I did head out there I'd want to live in a place like San Francisco because it's cool. I'm a longsleeves kind of boy.

The show last night went well. Very well. We met Jose from Tooth and Nail Records who had some very nice things to say about our set. He said he'd keep in touch, but I'm not getting my hopes up. Words from dudes who work for labels don't reassure me anyhow. Four hundred smiling faces and pairs of hands clapping from the stage ... now that kind of stuff makes me think that I might be in for something. If anyone who was there last night happens to be reading this, thanks for making it one of the best shows I've ever played. Amazing.

I got the chance to hang out with Jon from Waking Ashland during and after the show. He had a lot of nice things to say too, which was kind of exciting. I like his band a lot, so it means something. I think we might play with them again next month.

I also had the pleasure of having a conversation with Jamison from ... you guessed it ... JamisonParker. I guess all I can say is that he's easily the most depressing person I've ever met in my entire life. That's probably why their album is so good. That and Ken Andrews' production. Listen to Failure.

I'll post pictures of us bro'ing out with him, Jon, Kris (my twin and lead singer of An Angle), and Eric (An Angle's merch bitch and our new best friend). I also got a couple of some awesome hippies we met outside and of this drunk girl who tried to molest me before puking all over the sidewalk. Fun times.

After all of that excitement, we decided that we wanted to head to Frank's. Frank's, in case I haven't mentioned it in previous entries, is where we've done a lot of our partying lately. Apparently, it's where everyone else does theirs too because there were enough loud, drunk people there last night to make the police show up exactly when we did.

Luckily for everyone at the party and for my stoner bandmates, I was sick enough without drinking or smoking and was walking around the driveway and spotted the fucking pig quick enough to give everyone the heads up. Go me.

I found out this week that Chelsea ... yes, that Chelsea ... has been kind of frusterated with how our relationship has been going lately. I could've shrugged it off, but instead I wanted to fix things. Since then, I've been trying to talk to her and get together with her. Either I'm really bad at making an attempt or she's not getting it. Confusing, yeah?

I'm single. I'm lonely. And I'm also picky. This isn't a good combination. When I think I found something, it turns out to be unattainable. Or just completely fucking stupid. Yeah, that one's for you...

A-Town party with Aric tonight. I'm looking forward to meeting more of his friends. Anyone want to check out that Emily Rose movie with me tomorrow? I really want to see it, but haven't found any takers.

This is getting long. I'll end it here. Stay up.

love julian

"Oh Lord, can you save us? Can you save us?..."

Mon, 12 Sep 2005 20:54:10 GMT

Floods in the streets of New Orleans. No power running through the veins of Los Angeles. War all over the world, never resting. The world is ending and all I can do is think of you.

And while our eyes and the cameras are on the big cities and powerful people, this is happening right in our fucking backyards. People are dying. Maybe not on the outside, but certainly in.

Certain men don't deserve power. Certain men don't deserve anything.

I haven't felt this angry in awhile. And yet, I've never felt more like biting my tongue. I can't say anything to you without it seeming like I'm saying it for my own benefit. So I won't. I trust you'll keep making the wrong decision and that's your right. I just hope it doesn't result in anything horrible happening.

I've seen this too many times to not worry. Beauty and youth fade. Do you honestly want to waste yours like this?

I don't think you do. There's something in the way you speak. And it's not my place to tell you to change. I figure I can type whatever the fuck I want to here though. If you read it, I doubt we'll discuss it. I don't really want to. It won't change.

This goes past the way I feel about you. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy ... and maybe I'm blowing it out of proportion, but regardless, it's not good.

It needs to be good.

I'm working tonight. I'm working Wednesday. I'm rocking Friday. The rest of my week is free. I'm sure I'll see some of you.

love julian

"We need poison sometimes, so take another drink with me..."

Sat, 10 Sep 2005 05:04:22 GMT

It's been said before and it is definitely one of the biggest existing emo cliches ever, but Clarity by Jimmy Eat World really is one of the most amazing albums ever recorded. Like, if you're a fan of rock music at all, you should own this record. There's no excuse.

School's got me feeling an amazing amount of anxiety. The work is so easy to the point that I even wonder why I'm going anymore. I need one credit. One. Couldn't I just come in and leave?

It seems like everyone has their niche and I don't really feel like I've found mine. I'm not academic enough to be respected by the teachers. I'm not coordinated to play sports, but then again neither is our football team, so yeah. And while I've devoted most of my life to singing, my style isn't what the people in that department are looking for either.

Not to mention the fact that being there always brings this rush of feeling competitive with other people and bands. I'm dreading this Ten Count Fall release show. Mark and Nick aren't going, so Dom, Aric, and I are going at it alone acoustic style. I think I'm playing "I Hate Fucking Whores" and maybe "Sing This Around Your Campfire...", in addition to some stripped down AFS songs. I love acoustic shows, but I don't know if this crowd is going to appreciate it.

Whatever. I should probably be more focused on the show Friday with JamisonParker and Waking Ashland. That'll be big. Familiar faces should go. That'd ease the tension a bit.

Speaking of which, I haven't seen yours since Monday? Is that it? I don't know. The days blur together. In any event, you confuse the living fuck out of me. I'll never understand why you want what you're getting right now. I don't understand why anyone would want something like that. I mean ... why settle? Things change.

Ugh.

Talk to me online, on the phone, and at school. Come watch us play. I'm desperate, I think.

"Just once, let them try to make devils of us..."

Tue, 06 Sep 2005 00:10:01 GMT

I ended up going to Scott's last night. I still feel like hell, so I guess that means it was a good night. Getting to sleep's usually hard for me on the night before the first day of school, but I'm thinking that tonight it'll come almost naturally. My friends are cooler than you.

Today consisted of breakfast and a lot of raspberry lemonade at a very unwelcoming Bob Evans in Lyndhurst, driving home, going to the mall with Dom, Mark, and Scott and seeing about a million people that we know or know us, running into Aric on our way out, which caused us to stay even longer, coming home, and sleeping.

The more I think about this girl, the more fond of her I seem to get. I'm lame. And reaching. I need to get a grip.

I'm kind of excited to see everyone tomorrow. Should be interesting. I've got red in my hair and a yellow shirt with a dinosaur on it to wear. And that rhymed. But on accident. I swear.

I'm off to think some more. Probably to write. And then to sleep.

I encourage phone calls and instant messages. I'm into conversations and friends.

Oh, and Kanye West is a genius. Buy his records. They'll change your life.

love julian

"To the depths of the deepest sea, I fought you, I fought you..."

Sun, 04 Sep 2005 20:33:31 GMT

I don't feel as if I can collect all of my thoughts into paragraphs today, so I'm going to write them as I think them.

I finally have best friends. People that I actually trust and feel a strong bond with. It's funny that I've known a few of them for years and this is just now dawning on me. I'm so difficult.

I've finally been able to get through my days without thinking of her constantly. She beat me by five or six months, but I got there. This is a good thing, I think, but I'm not sure if it's what I really, truly want.

I'm pretty sure the reason why I haven't thought of her that much is because I'm thinking of someone else. This most definitely isn't good. She's sort of attached to someone who isn't very stable and doesn't seem to let anyone in easily. Bad news for me, considering I've barely even known her a month.

I'm prepared for her to tell me I'm thinking too much into this and being too quick about the whole thing. Letdown is something I'm used to. I just want everything to turn out great for her. For her to be alright. I think she deserves it. Strange.

On the plus side though, she's definitely amazing. I knew this after our very first conversation. Instinct, I guess.

I should stop following my gut and just try to make decisions that don't lead to trouble. The easy way is right in front of me. Fuck if I take it though. I'm way too stubborn.

My band bought a trailer. I think it shows that we're really not fucking around. Come to our show at the amazing Grog Shop on September 16th with Waking Ashland, JamisonParker, and An Angle and hang out next to it.

School starts Tuesday and I don't care.

I had writers block for awhile, but now I'm back in creative mode again. I secretly recorded some demos of IHFW, STRYCOYCBO, and TDTPAVV. You'll be hearing them soon. I'm proud.

Scott and Mark want me to go to Cleveland and stay at Scott's tonight. I don't know if I'm up to it. I don't know if Cookie will let me either.

Gone.

love julian

"It's nothing I can change, she always was the one..."

Tue, 30 Aug 2005 19:47:51 GMT

I had my iTunes on random and "Coke" came on. I felt strange. Sad, I guess?

There's no backstory. I just felt the urge to come back and type that.

Ignore it and just read the post below.

love julian

And she knows...

"I will tear myself apart if you promise to paint me as a work of art..."

Tue, 30 Aug 2005 18:30:42 GMT

Post this fucker everywhere and help us spread the word!

Just copy and paste this (replace all the "[]" with "<>"):
[a href="http://www.purevolume.com/anotherfoundself"]
[img src="http://www.anotherfoundself.com/brightestbanner.gif"][/a]

Stay well and come see me at the fair Thursday.

love julian

"Lonliness is Godliness and God is empty, just like me..."

Thu, 25 Aug 2005 06:58:29 GMT

It's late in the evening. Or early in the morning. I guess it all depends on how you look at it. Either way, as per usual, I'm still awake. Tonight, I'm not sleeping at Dom's. See if you can wrap your finger around that one.

Anyway, it dawned on me while sitting at his computer searching aimlessly for something to do that I haven't written anymore garbage for all of you to read lately. No matter, the comments had been dwindling anyway. You know me, I don't like to vent without an audience.

I'm ready for school to start. The quicker it starts the sooner it ends, right? Not to mention the fact that my summer routine is getting repetitive. Usually, I'm working. When I'm not working, I'm singing. When I'm not singing, I'm usually doing something that Cookie probably wouldn't approve of with Dom, Mark, Stevie, Aric, and whoever else pops in and out. And when I'm not doing any of that, chances are I'm sitting lonely in my room writing songs about doing those things.

And apparently, these are the best days of my life.

If you're still with me, I'm getting to what you've been waiting for. She's come and gone and come and gone again. You know the one I'm talking about. I was beginning to think that it was starting to come around, but if you follow this thing, you'll know that it didn't.

The awkward silence reminds me of April. So does the sometimes hot, sometime cold air that's blowing through the trees as autumn pushes itself into the spot that summer had just gotten used to.

It's been more than half a year since I met her. Liking her was one of those instant things, so the timeframe goes hand and hand. The way I'm seeing it now, it's only another year. She'll leave. I'll leave. And this time next year, this whole mess will be left for autumn to sweep away along with another summer.

All that's left are the what if's. And it's those what if's that'll hopefully get me to where I want to be.

I've called off majority of next week. It's the last before I start doing my sleeping in sitting at a desk in Boardman High School as opposed to my bed. We're playing at the fair on Thursday. It's the night everyone can get in for free, so I expect to see a lot of people there. I most likely only want to see about a quarter of them. Other than that, my dance card's empty.

...I just hit the 'back' button on accident. Luckily, this entry was still here when I clicked forward. Good thing, or you all would've been deprived. I take that as a sign, though, to stop myself and post.

Stay well.

love julian

"How can I try to explain? When I do, she turns away again..."

Tue, 16 Aug 2005 19:21:56 GMT

Right.

Before I get into this, let me just say that I find myself absolutely pathetic for contributing and starting internet drama. Christ, I'm seventeen years old. I should really come up with better ways to do this.

Follow the letters a little bit more carefully next time darling. I wasn't calling you a whore. I was more or less pointing out the fact that the "actions speak louder than words" line you tried to use on me isn't always the case.

"If in the case of you and I our actions speak louder than our words, I'm a liar and you're a whore."

I'm trying to prove that I'm perfectly capable of meaning what I say even if I don't act like I do, just like you're able to hang on your guy friends without being a whore.

Tag, you're it.

love julian

"So sing about love, sing about loss, so they will care..."

Mon, 15 Aug 2005 21:25:02 GMT

I've come to this conclusion...

...If in the case of you and I our actions speak louder than our words, I'm a liar and you're a whore.

I say things but then don't do anything to show that I mean them and you relentlessly hang on everything with a cock.

It got to the point where I couldn't be obviously miserable around you anymore. Being so open didn't seem to get me any further or have any effect on you. My sarcasm and my "I really give a fuck, but am going to act like I don't" sort of attitude are the wall that I built. That wall still stands so long as yours does.

I thought I had finally reached understanding. I thought I finally figured this whole thing out. And naturally, the minute I think all of this, you send me flying in the opposite direction.

Tom asked me last night after we left how the hell I ever dated you in the first place. "She's on like everyone in the entire world."

It's good to know that I'm not insane. At least not in every sense of the word.

But for whatever reason, I didn't leave upset or angry. I've come to grips with the fact that the things you do are you being you ... and in my mind, that's everything that's wonderful and right.

I could've answered his question. I didn't, but I could've. And I'm not going to. But I know exactly why I did. I know exactly why I would.

Maybe I have figured it out.

They say that to love is to let go. I have serious writers block. I think I've just run out of ways to say that I miss her and can't stop thinking about her and whatever else I've made so apparent in these past few months. Every time I think it's progressing ... every time I think it's going to go my way ... it just turns into another mindfuck.

And I'm willing to endure all of that. That's how I know. But I think that now it's just time to stop trying, throw the ball into her court, and let things happen. To let go.

I heard somewhere that love is hell. I still believe that's only true because we'd go through hell for love...

julian

"If it's her you want, this is what it takes..."

Fri, 12 Aug 2005 16:44:25 GMT

I know. I haven't updated in awhile. It's not as if I have anything new to say anyhow. You all know my story. Ocean City was great. I'm a pro boogie boarder now. My pro boogie boarding name is Spencer. My friends call me Spence.

Mark Catalano, who didn't get a pro boogie boarding name, is both the slowest person I know and also the most annoying drunk I know. Either way, he's my best friend. Same with Dom (Victor) and Tom (Skylar). Not going to lie, Mr. Devin's a pretty kick ass dude too.

Another best friend of mine is Scott. I went to stay with him in Cleveland from Saturday until Monday and it was a rad time. We played a whole lot of video games and ate out a lot. We went to Hooters. Our waitress was nice, but was definitely the only non-hot waitress there. And her boobs weren't insanely huge either. Needless to say, I was kind of disappointed.

Scott also took the best picture of me ever taken. Peep it HERE!

I hung out with Nataly a bunch too. She's the best. We took many photos together. If I ever get a hold of any, I'll post them so you all can swoon.

While in Cleveland, we played at the Grog Shop. I love that venue like I do the majority of my family. It was a great show with my BFFs in Maybe Next Year and The Honor Role, who I haven't seen since the party at PJs, so that was cool. I also saw Jay, Stan, and Jordan who're some of our biggest fans and are also, strangely, dudes.

We've been playing a lot lately. It's what I've always wanted.

I bought the new Emery, the new Spill Canvas, and the kind of new Gatsby's American Dream. All are good.

If love is a labor, I'll slave 'till the end... I hate that fucking song. Rise Against is so much better than that single leads one to believe. Such a good lyric though.

For the first time in a long time I feel as if I might have a shot. I'm not getting my hopes up. It makes me laugh that she can show people those songs and shrug them off. It makes me laugh even harder that you never imagined that the people you show would track me down just to tell me how impressed they were. Go me.

I found a cool survey that I was playing to fill out during this entry, but I'm bored with this now and I'm saying fuck it. Maybe another time.

Come to The Cellar and dance with us tonight.

love julian

"The presence of your face brings the sun..."

Tue, 02 Aug 2005 05:39:32 GMT

Nights like this ... conversations like that ... those are why I haven't given up. Those are why I refuse to give up. Words spoken from her mouth aren't just words to me. No matter how absolutely pointless or outright dumb some of them may be, the simple fact that it's her speaking them erases everything but the fact that I'm so happy to be hearing them.

And I like to believe that it's like that with only me. Granted, I know this girl rambles on like no other. But there's just something in the way things are when she's talking to me that makes me think every other conversation with every other person is different, you know?

It scares me that I can be so open about how things are and how I feel and still get nothing absolute back from her. There are always these hints you know? Some indicate that maybe I do indeed have a chance. Some indicate that I'm crazy in ever thinking I stood one.

...I suppose this is why some people get thirty ones on their ACTs.

I'm never more confused then when I try to reflect on this situation. I think that's why it's all you ever hear about in this thing. Everything else seems so solid. Even when it's not all going well, I still know why.

With this I know absolutely nothing.

Tonight I'll wear a smile that won't fade until I get myself to sleep. Tomorrow I'll leave without any contact at all because I don't want to ruin it. I'll party the week away, but won't get thoughts of her out of my head. Chances are, I'd rather be here typing aimlessly in this thing with the sole hope that she'll read it than swimming in the ocean. I can just as well drown in my thoughts than in water, anyhow.

And a week from today I'll sing about her. And everyone else.

It really is funny how these things work out.

Everyone should listen to this band. They're called Jettie, in case you didn't catch it at the top. This song, "Aimie Rain", is beyond great. Everything on pureVOLUME is available for download, so I suggest you take advantage. And they're Swedish. What's better than that?

love julian

"It's always you in my big dreams..."

Sun, 31 Jul 2005 16:27:24 GMT

So last night I had the most perfect dream. It was so vividly detailed that I struggled to believe that it hadn't actually happened. Maybe because it certainly seemed like something that could happen with the most ease? I don't know.

When I woke up from it my heart was beating so hard that I thought it was going to burst through my chest. It hasn't slowed much since.

I rarely ever dream. I guess it's fitting that I did though considering the subject matter. Dreaming's as far as I'll get, it seems.

I've recently purchased CDs by Stars, Small Towns Burn A Little Slower, Dredg, Relient K, Boys Night Out, and Paramore, which came with a super rad T-Shirt. I'm very pleased with all of them, but it seems as if Boys Night Out is taking precident. I'm a sucker for concept albums like I am for flirty brunettes.

Apparently, Tom, Dom, Sadie, Mark, and I are going to Ocean City, Maryland on Tuesday. Tom came up with this idea on a whim. I think he's trying to live it up before he goes to college ... a mid mid-life crisis of sorts perhaps? Oh well. Anything's better than here. Leaving gives my wandering mind a rest.

I also believe that I'm set to stay in Cleveland with Scott on Saturday. I think I'm staying until Monday since we have a show at the Grog Shop that night and it seems kind of pointless to me to leave, come home, and leave for the same place again. There's nothing here for me.

Despite all the new CDs I mentioned earlier, I've been listening to "Konstantine" on repeat. Such a cliche, emo thing to do, but oh well.

It dawned on me awhile ago that Nance still reads this thing. In light of this, I think I may start typing love letters to her here instead of to people that she lives with. They'll probably be way more effective. Heh. But yeah, hey to Nance. Stay well.

I'm going out today which means I'll need to shave. Such a waste of my time. I think I may let my hair grow even longer and never shave. Go with a Grizzly Adams sort of look for the senior photos? Cookie'd be pleased.

I'm rambling. I don't want to bore. I'm finished.

love julian

Mon, 25 Jul 2005 15:02:12 GMT

I'm at Tom's after another long night of doing the stuff that we normally do during long nights at Tom's. Fun times.

In the past couple of days, we've played some of the best shows we've ever played. Saturday at St. Luke's was one of our best local crowds ever. It's crazy to me that so many people have the album that they're actually singing along to every song. Some people even know the new ones we haven't released. I also had the chance to meet some rad people from Ireland and see Built to Crash and Ten Count Fall, both of whom are really great, just in case you didn't already know.

...And you were there.

Yesterday - Sunday - was one of the most insane days of my life. We played the opening ceremony of the 2005 Pony League National Softball Champions at a packed Cafaro Field. Thousands of girls. Seriously. I get nervous when we play small shows. Needless to say, I was going crazy over this one.

We had some drama with the headlining band, but I'm not going into it. If everything turned out badly, I probably would, but in the end we played what I thought was a great set even though we got cut short and sold over 2,000 dollars worth of CDs and shirts. We also signed our names more times than we have in ten years of school.

...Oh, and you were there.

I feel like this makes me perform better. Like I have something to prove. Something to impress. The common consensus amongst my friends though is that I've officially gone crazy.

My stance on the whole thing is that I'd rather be crazy, miserable, and alone than with anyone else.

It's obvious that she's not in the same boat. But when we get close she can't look at me in the eyes. I'm not sure if that's good or bad...

...Work at noon then another rock show tonight.

love julian

"Now I need a guillotine to get you off my mind..."

Tue, 19 Jul 2005 04:52:47 GMT

I took the only comment on that last entry to heart. Time to put things even more out in the open. And at the same time, I'm hopefully going to get solid feedback on new lyrics.

In August, I'll be going back to Cleveland to record four songs -- three original and the other a cover. I suppose it's sort of a solo project since all the songs originated in my head and will be recorded as I hear them played in my mind, but it really isn't because Dom, Jason, Nick, and many others will be bouncing in and out to help me with various instruments and things like that. Considering this, I figured simply calling it "Julian Smith" or something would be a bit untrue, not to mention incredibly lame, and have adopted Away Messages as the project's title. pureVOLUME, MySpace, and possibly a website will be up soon, along with a rough demo or two. Until then, these are the lyrics to the songs we're doing. Trust me when I say they're like nothing you've ever heard out of me or my band.

Click the links for lyrics and a little back story. Please read them all and tell me what you think.

"I Hate Fucking Whores" "I Hate Fucking Whores"

This song, while drawn from very true situations and real people, isn't entirely true in the sense that it's highly blown out of proportion and was written in anger. I take a lot of shots that probably aren't really necessary, but decided not to rewrite them because over dramatics make for good songs usually. In any event, I'm kind of sorry for the way I portray this person in this song. She really isn't as bad or as fake as I make her out to be...

Keeping company is one thing.
But you? You’re keeping corporations.
How many holders will share you?
And your ethics aren’t appealing.
At least to those who aren’t just like you,
Beautiful, but with nothing else to fall back on.

For all the advice I ignored.
For every word I bought into.
For every time I lied just to impress you.
Fuck my friends. I know you probably will.
You can dye your hair, but it won’t hide that still…
…You’re faking.

Please don’t fall for the prettiest of faces.
‘Cause while their lips may say I love you.
You’re probably not the only one they’re kissing.
No, you’ll never be the only one she’s missing.

Your reputation speaks volumes.
It did before me and will now that I’m gone.
It’s 11:11 – sound familiar? - … and my only wish is that I will make it worse,
With the lyrics of this song.
(And if you’ve been fucked over before, feel free to sing along…)

For everyone who thinks you’re cool.
For guys in bands you’ve made out with.
Trust me, they’ll forget you. Lucky them.
Play guitar. I know you probably will.
You can pierce your fucking body and we’ll all still…
…Know that you’re faking.

Please don’t fall for the prettiest of faces.
‘Cause while their lips may say I love you.
You’re probably not the only one they’re kissing.
No, you’ll never be the only one she’s missing.

And MySpace isn't real life.
Here's hoping you find one.
Here's hoping you find one...

"The Doctor and The Patient and Vice Versa" "The Doctor and The Patient and Vice Versa"

While the first set was angry and spiteful, these are filled with regret. Also way more realistic than the first set in the sense that while the dramatics are still there, I haven't really exaggerated about anything. Maybe the best thing I've ever written because of how well the story flows...

So why don't you take two more shots,
And call me in the morning?
And if you remember the night before,
You can give me the details.
Who you went with, what you wore.
How you looked with someone that's not me on your arm.

I'll medicate you with some anecdotes.
Lies about how I'm the happiest that I've ever been.
You always caught me in those sorts of things.
Let's see if it happens this time.

Another lyric about you that we'll never talk about.
Another song where everyone already knows the outcome.
Boy meets girl. Fucks it up. Girl moves on. Boy stands still.

And if you want I could write two more of them,
And sing them on your front lawn!
A "Say Anything"-like moment I play back in my mind.
Every night. Everytime that we talk through a screen and not face to face.
Yeah, everytime. Oh, everytime.

Another bit of evidence that proves that you got the best of me!
I'm all for repetition, so let's remind you of my story.
Boy meets girl. Fucks it up. Girl moves on. Damn boy's luck.

If this were numbers than I'd lose the whole lottery.
If this were war I'd die at the hands of my worst enemy.
If you were a surgeon you'd have removed a whole part of me.
Where are the bandages now?

So c'mon and take two more shots,
And call me in the morning.
Or instead make a mistake,
And down the whole damn bottle.
Get barely past the area code,
When the life leaves your fingers.
Keep me sleeping.

"Sing This 'Round Your Campfire Once Your Campfire Burns Out" "Sing This 'Round Your Campfire Once Your Campfire Burns Out"

This will be the happiest sounding of the whole entire bunch. Meant to make you sing along, but still probably just as depressing as the first two. In keeping with the ongoing story, I try my best to apologize in this song for the first two. It's this sort of continuity that will make this EP so special...

It's hard to change positions when you're not sure if you're supposed to.
Silly girl, I'd make the first move, but only if you asked me to.
And it's hard to dial the telephone,
'Cause your not sure if your call is what she's wanting. Or expecting.
No it can't be. What were you thinking?

...Stop loving. Start drinking!...

'Cause when it hits your lips, you'll forget her hips,
And the way they moved against yours when you touched!
You haven't seen her face since April,
And you miss that face so God damn much.
So much so that you've taken to putting it all on games of chance.
She loves you then she loves you not.
Heads or tails? Can't win. You're fucked...

And I'm not into sleeping,
Because sleeping leads to dreaming.
And when I dream I'm dreaming about you.
I suppose I'm missing out by missing you,
And wondering if you're missing me.
Pathetic? Possibly.
But I could be less productive.

I wouldn't call it begging,
'Cause I'm not down on my knees.
I'd say it's more trying to save what I thought was a good thing.
As you all can probably tell, it just isn't working. No.
So I resorted to saying things in these songs that I didn't mean,
But it got your attention, didn't it?
And I'd take them back in an instant,
If you'd do the same for me!

So strike up the entire band,
Make sure they're out of tune!
Switch off every single light,
In every single fucking room!
Park your cars, break your hearts,
All under this night sky! And fall in love...
...No, we can't do that.
What were we thinking?

...Keep loving. Keep singing!...

La, la, la, la,
La, la, la, la,
La, la, la, la,
La, la, la, love.

La, la, la, la,
La, la, la, la,
La, la, la, la,
La, la, la, love.

Thanks and love.

julian

"If this is love then kill me now and save me from my life..."

Mon, 18 Jul 2005 07:23:00 GMT

I smoked with Dom, Tony Cucitrone, Franko, Ali Carlson, and her friend Michelle tonight after our show at Boardman Park. Mark and one of his friends that I don't remember the name of tagged along too, but made the decision to stay sober and make fun of us instead. Quite the group, let me tell you.

I swear that stuff makes me sharper. Indulging in things like alcohol and drugs seem to have reverse effects on me. I only get an hour or so of stupidity. Then it's just all replaced by sharp thought ... usually about her.

I don't know what I expect anymore. Reality seems to reach me when it pertains to everything but her. Anyone in their right mind would've given up by now. And I've given it a lot of though, I assure you. But there's just a really huge part of me that expects this giant turn around.

And she knows everything. There's no way she can't. It's my feeling that she simply wants to hear it from me and not from this journal ... or a song ... or a friend ... or an away message ... or any of the other childish ways I choose to communicate. What happens if I actually get over myself long enough to let her hear it? I haven't the slightest idea.

I can't get her alone face to face without making an attempt. And while I'd love to make an attempt, there's some sort of complex within me that keeps me from doing so ... as anyone who has ever tried to have a relationship with me will attest to. And then again, I already tried to do it once. And I thought I had reached the point where it was all going to change. And I thought wrong.

I'm faced with two options. Not seeing her or seeing her surrounded by people who know us mutually. I prefer the first. The latter simply puts me on guard in the most ignorant, sarcastic way. Not the proper way to send the message I'm trying to, I'd say.

At risk of sounding like a character out of Clueless, this all seems so elementary school. She's that girl I always wanted to be around that I hit just for an excuse to do it. Words are worst than fists.

And deep down, I know she's not dwelling on all of this like I am. I like to think she is.

I know you all are tired of this constant repetition. By now, the whole town knows my story. And yet, with all of this attained information, I still haven't found my ending.

The new JamisonParker record is the greatest sounding album I've purchased this year. Ken Andrews, who produced it and was also in a band called Failure throughout the 90s that I've been getting into lately, gets such a vibe going with the bands he produces. Bright and epic. The only thing that drags it down for me is the sometimes cliche lyrics ... even though they're all about what these entries are about.

We're playing a lot these days. Come hang out. I'm recording solo songs at the end of August. They're all about her, so if you were ever curious as to what I've been talking about, be sure to take a listen.

I wonder if you still read this...

love julian